How do I take back control? Part 2
Dear John,
A little about me to frame this whole thing. I am 60 years old, I live in Maine, where alcohol is available on every street corner and grocery store. It is a constant temptation. I have family members that also have drinking issues. I have had more life trauma than most and I know that has left deep scars for me.
My current concern is- I have tried many times to stop drinking. I can't string together two days. I have a job (changed differently now) due to my drinking and the damage that it has done to my confidence and self esteem.
I have never had a DUI or been arrested. I don't go out and drink in bars anymore (did when I was younger). I drink at home only. I don't keep alcohol in my house because I can't control myself once I start. I do however stop every day after work and buy wine. I drink a bottle (sometimes two) each night. I do have some blackouts where I can't remember the night before when I wake up.
I desperately want to be alcohol free and start focusing on having a more positive enjoyable life. Yesterday on my way to work, I vowed and prayed I would not stop on my way home and buy a bottle. I thought about it all day long and kept repeating the desire and pledge to stop drinking.
However, when I was driving home it was like my car was on autopilot and before I knew it, I was buying wine.
I have not gone to AA, I have tried WFS, an online support group for women. I need to stop this self destructive cycle and learn self love. The self loathing that goes along with this illness is non- relenting. Remorse and guilt.
How do I take that step and take back the control that alcohol has over me?
Regards,
Tempted and Trying
Continued from last week…
Admitting I had a problem was the single most important step to recovery. That is why it is the first step in 12-step programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Once I did that, with humility and full accountability, there were no false pretenses to manage, no lies I could tell myself or others, I could ask for help from people who had been through it before, and I could finally unpack the reasons I had been drinking, fucking, lying, and numbing for 2 decades of my life. I believe the three most important requirements for meaningful change are: 1) introspection, 2) accountability, and 3) humility. For many, the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous are a sanctuary of accountability and humility. The people in those rooms role model these three qualities by working the 12 steps of recovery. I have deep love and gratitude for my time in the rooms of AA and SAA, even after I stopped attending shortly after receiving my 2-year sobriety chip. I am currently over 6 years sober and have no desire to ever take a drink.
There are many tools you can use to address your relationship with alcohol. AA is one. Therapy and coaching is one. Psychedelics are one. Group work is one. But, remember, a tool is only as effective as your ability to use it. My recommendation, for simplicity sake, is to find a local AA group and attend. Your first visit will be the most challenging, but be open to see the people, hear their stories, and find what resonates. There was no greater catharsis for me than being ready and willing to say, “my name is John, and I am an alcoholic and sex addict.” I accumulated a substantial amount of shame and guilt through self-abusive drinking, lying to myself and other, having affairs, one-night stands, sleeping with prostitutes, and hurting those that cared for me. No matter where you land, how deep your whole, or the weight of your shame and guilt, you can climb yourself out of that hole. You can find light in the dark. You can find hope in the despair.
You mentioned in your question that you used to go out and party, but now drink when you're alone. Isolation and disconnection is a key element of addiction. The antidote to addiction is not sobriety, it is connection. Some people are able to get sober alone, whiteknuckling it through abstinence, but retaining their alcoholic beliefs and patterns - a common state known as being “dry drunk.” Finding a community that supports you and pulls you out of your isolation will only serve to support you and your recovery.
It was Henry David Thoreau who said, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.” I can sense the desperation and resignation in your story, but also the hope. The desire for freedom from your dependency on alcohol. Your story doesn’t have a major bottom or episodes of intense pain, yet. As I have said before and has been echoed in many rooms of 12-step groups, “your bottom is when you choose to stop digging.” I encourage you to put down the shovel. Your bottom can be now. It starts with an acknowledgement and declaration of a problem. A problem that is greater than your willpower. Only then can you start the march back to wholeness, to redemption. I believe in you! I have seen so many people transform their lives when they are ready and willing to take that first courageous step. You are not alone - we see you and we love you!
With love and light,
John Moos, MD