Am I capable of being sober? Part 2
Dear John,
I am reaching out because I randomly fell on your page. I am in healthcare and I am struggling with my drinking. This isn't new for me. I have been to treatment and AA. I appreciate your transparency. It's very inspiring to me. My addiction of choice is alcohol. When did you finally see the light? I feel like I am never going to see it. It's been a good 10 yrs for me. I have been to treatment enough to practically teach it but as we all know self knowledge avails us nothing. I love the rooms of AA and have had amazing support but that hasn't kept me sober either. Sometimes I get scared that I am not constitutionally capable of being sober. Did you ever feel this way? Did you just have a moment where a light bulb came on?
Continued from last week…
I assure you, you are fully capable of being sober. You started this life sober. Through the accumulation of developmental trauma, maladaptive coping strategies, and forces often beyond our control, we learned that alcohol (or other substances and behaviors) could be an answer, when in reality they never were. Addiction is difficult to get a handle on because the behavior or substance almost works all of the time. Alcohol or any addictive behaviors cannot be options. It is not about committing the act, asking for forgiveness and making amends. It happens, but it makes the road back to redemption so much harder and longer. For me, a relapse would have been a declaration to myself and others that I am a fraud and my integrity is meaningless. What value would my forgiveness or amends have then? Do I wait until there is no one to forgive or make amends to because I’m all alone? Most importantly, can you forgive or make amends to yourself when you can’t trust yourself? I won’t go back to that place. It was too painful to go through once, and I certainly won’t do it again.
I would say that my “a-ha” moment came when I checked myself into rehab and started to unpack all of the lies: the lies I told myself, the lies I told other people, the lies I lived and breathed for decades. Rehab didn’t transform me, but it did help me allocate the time necessary to start the work I needed to. I worked with a skilled therapist during this time who helped me empty every single lie, name every single transgression, and every single sexual encounter - all of it! It had to be complete and honest because I was polygraphed after I made the extensive list to validate its truth to the best of my knowledge. When I shared all of the terrible choices I had made over a 36 year period, I crushed my ex-wife, but also felt relieved. I didn’t want to hurt her further, but what were my other choices? Minimize the pain I’d caused? Hold onto the darkness and keep perpetrating traumas? At some point, I had to put the sword down and stop hurting myself and others. It may not be comfortable walking out of the hole we create, but it certainly beats being trapped down there forever, alone and in the dark. I didn’t get a chance to keep things in the dark, hide things in the recesses of my psyche. I had to empty out all of the darkness and was gifted an opportunity to fill it back up with light. After hurting myself, my family, and so many others around me, I got a chance to start over. My life was small, simple, and I was alone for a while after that day. But, after a few years of doing the work, making healthier choices, and living with integrity, life became magnificent. I restored my integrity, shared with my kids my struggles and how I overcame them, transcended the label “addict,” met the most amazing woman whom I am engaged to, and created a platform to share openly and honestly about the pain I caused and the reparations I made to become whole.
Today, I am living my values. My life is full of integrity. I am honest with myself and others, and feel whole regardless of my messiness. I feel nurtured by positive thought, positive words, healthy foods, healthy habits and healthier relationships. I play for the fun of it, with my love, my kids, and in life. Stillness reminds me to eliminate distractions, be present, stay attuned, be mindful and take solitude when needed. I have restored my connection to myself, co-created a deep love with my fiance, repaired and reinforced bonds with friends and family, cultivated an incredible community, and have a deeply personal connection to nature and Spirit. I no longer resemble the addicted version of myself, but I know I have that capacity within me. It’s not about banishing the darkness from me or refusing to acknowledge its presence, but rather about compassionately accepting it and releasing my dependency from it. Those survival strategies no longer work. For myself, life is too magnificent in its infinite beauty and complexity to numb and distract my way through. And, while it is not always rainbows and butterflies, I’d take leaning into the discomfort and pain of a challenge or obstacle over the pain of burying and/or ignoring it.
I know you can do it. Your curiosity and inquiry is the touchstone to tremendous change. The world needs you whole. I truly believe that some of the most amazing and dynamic people are the ones who have struggled intimately with pain and addiction. If you ever need help, don’t be afraid to ask. I know where you’ve been - I have been there before. I see you and I love you!
With love and light,
John Moos, MD