How do I grieve?
Dear John,
I just read your Acceptance post and WOW! Nothing like taking the thoughts right out of my head. After losing my parents and 14 year old dog within the past 3 years I am swimming endlessly in circles. Standing in resistance and waiting for the world to tell me my next move. I feel as though I am lost. Caring for others was a gift. Now I am almost unsure of how to care for myself without guilt.
Dear Grieving,
I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I have not had to endure the grief of losing a parent yet, but I know the pain accompanied by the loss of a loved one. Also, having grown up with dogs my entire life, I know the impact of losing a companion can be equally as devastating as losing a human family member. I want to reassure you, you are exactly where you need to be. You are in grief. Grief has 5 stages, as defined by Dr. Kubler-Ross: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are not intended to be processed in linear fashion, as you can move through and revisit each stage many times before integrating and completing your grief process. There are also various types of grief. The Columbia Center for Complicated Grief is an excellent resource for identifying the various types of grief and providing resources to help navigate it with grace. It’s important to note if you are still in your grief process or may be stuck in complicated grief.
David Kessler, a grief expert, writes about the 6th stage of grief: finding meaning. Take the time to sit with each stage of grief. Honor it and be willing to let it go. Rumi’s poem, “The Guest House” is an excellent example of this. As you do this, you will inevitably transition into the meaning-making part of your process. This isn't the cliche "everything happens for a reason." This is about finding your meaning in the pain. There is a saying, "the healing is in the hurt." No one can make the meaning for you, it is up to you to define it and make it sacred. Part of what makes life so precious is the fact that it ends. Death can be an end, but it is also a new beginning. All living things mirror this process; Fall and Winter leading into Spring and Summer. Life is cyclical and beautiful because of the full range we experience and because of its finiteness. You are not lost and you are not alone; you’ve never left yourself. If you feel unanchored or unmoored, you can also dead reckon and find yourself now. It’s easy to feel lost in the externalities or circumstances of our lives, especially when there is an inner swirling of emotion that accompanies our experiences. It can shake our foundation and leave us feeling unsteady. If you take the time you need to grieve, both in solitude and in relationship, and to release, you will find that the path to healing and wholeness will reveal itself. And, when you are ready, you can take one step at a time to reestablish your bearings and move forward.
Caring for others is a noble and admirable calling. Notice if your caring for others kept you from tending to your inner garden. Who are you when you are not caring for others? Do you know? If you don't know, you have been gifted an opportunity to really explore who you are when you are not in service to others. You may ultimately decide that being in service to others is part of your vocation, but it is important to have that service be from an outpouring of self-love first. Your integrity must be first before caring for others, otherwise, it can be a noble distraction. You have the power and capacity to do this work. I trust you and your process. This is such an exciting time for you. I wish you strength and courage in exploring your path.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD