How can I let go of my past?
Dear John,
Not sure how this works…I saw you on Tik Tok sharing your story with such vulnerability and willingness to own your past in order to let go, that it brought me to tears. So much of what you said mirrors my own life. I’m fast approaching 45, and I’d like to release the past too. It’s just…HOW?? Regardless of my success, I still can’t enjoy it, for fear of losing it, and I’ve sabotaged nearly every relationship I’ve been in, romantic and otherwise. Never mind the damage I’ve done to my reputation over the years. I work in medicine too, and although I’m in industry now, some poor choices of the past have continued to haunt me.
First step guidance? Thanks, and bless you!
Dear Holding On To The Past,
Thank you for your kind words of encouragement. It took several years of doing the work to be able to openly and honestly share my story with humility on a larger scale. Social media and the internet is pretty exposing, but it has been some of my most rewarding work. I’ve spent time with the people posturing in their life, pretending like everything is fine or masking-up as inauthentic versions of themselves. I’ve spent time with the broken and wounded, watching them slowly put themselves back together. I’ve spent time with authentic and wholehearted individuals who unapologetically live their life, aware of who they are, and fully integrated. When you are fully integrated, you know who you are, and people’s opinions about you matter less. They matter less, not because you're apathetic, but because you know and trust who you are. Their approval or disapproval is irrelevant. Owning your story completely is a super power. Life is about opportunities and experiences, not right or wrong, good or bad. Even if the moment has passed, if you are holding onto the experience, there is still some opportunity or experience to grow from.
I want to commend you on taking the first step: knowing you have a problem and being willing to change. I don’t know the specifics of your life, but there are some things that are universal when it comes to the difficult work of releasing our past. To be quite honest, my “how” was simple: I was finally in enough pain to be willing to change. For most people, it is difficult to go through the pain of changing if things are “good enough.” The pain of changing is far more difficult (heavier) than the pain of staying the same. Life continues as it has been, avoiding the pain of change and resigning themselves to desperation and/or complacency. But every so often, an acute life event happens, creating just enough pain to tip the scales, or throw them off wildly, where the pain of changing is finally easier (lighter) than the pain of staying the same. This sacred moment is typically when change occurs. Think of it as a balance of scales:
In my experience, the things that were most difficult for me to release were the things I had the hardest time accepting in myself. It was easy to think I had accepted them, but when it came time to admit full accountability to others, that is where the rubber meets the road. I knew I was an alcoholic, made hurtful choices, lied to myself and others, used women for sex, used my then wife, used power to influence and manipulate people, and a host of other things. But, coming clean and admitting that to the people I hurt, my children, my family and friends - it gets real quickly. I learned a lot about myself in those moments when I was exposed, raw, and being judged. Character is who you are; reputation is what people think of you. Defining and growing your character can be difficult at times, but it avoids the consequences of reputation management. Reputation management is a considerable force when it comes to influencing our choices and behaviors in difficult situations.
My choices used to haunt me until I was forced to confront them head on. There is a brilliant quote by Sri Yukteswar in Autobiography of a Yogi, "Look fear in the face and it will cease to trouble you." When you know and accept your demons, you find and release your skeletons, you expose your shadow and darkness to the light - you release the hold of your past. Holding onto the past is no different than trying to hold onto the future or present. Have gratitude for the moments, learn from the experiences, and be ready to let them pass. Everything in life is ephemeral and impermanent. Experiences are meant to move through us, nurture or educate us, and leave us a better version of ourselves. They can sometimes feel like they are breaking us down, but really, if you can reframe it, they are breaking us open. I will share with you a quote of mine, “if you feel your emotions, you are human. If you are locked in your emotions, you are a prisoner.” Your freedom is your choice.
The past is there for us to learn and grow,...to be continued next week.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD