How do I heal from a sexual trauma? Part 2
Dear John,
Thank you for this opportunity for healing.
How do I heal from a sexual trauma? This person was supposed to be my safe haven - my biological father. At the time, he was my most favorite person.
I’ve noticed that I pick men like him. It makes me feel dirty because he did such disgusting things to me.
Is it okay for me to pick men that remind me of my biological father and if not how do I not pick them? We always had fun, connected deeply, etc. This incident happened 23 years ago and I am just unpacking it now.
All my best,
Trying
Continued from last week…
Integration, the final part of the work, is what happens as you revisit and reclaim the fragmented memories of your traumatic lived experience. You will eventually develop a context and timeline for your dissociated memories. You will begin to understand that you were not to blame, that your innocence was exploited, and that the people responsible for protecting you failed. You will begin to forgive without condoning those involved. You will be able to name and cultivate safety, erecting boundaries as necessary and releasing or nurturing relationships that support you. You will be able to name and cultivate the conditions you need to heal and thrive. You will be able to talk about your lived experience, including your sexual abuse without a charge or fear hijacking your system. You will be able to make choices free from self-limiting beliefs of constricting patterns adopted from your developmental traumas. You will begin to understand what is your choice and what is an imprint from your childhood. Integration is the process of becoming whole, owning your story, and doing so confidently and humbly. It is not easy work, but it is worth it.
As you move through this work, and understand your sexual abuse more intimately, the answers will become apparent on why you pick people who remind you of your father. It can be extremely difficult to hold two truths: 1) that your father sexually abused you, and 2) that he may have been a good father in other regards. This is very confusing and oftentimes laden with shame-based beliefs. Also, most perpetrators of sexual abuse groom their targets. Grooming can be disorienting and confusing as well as it usually involves lavish gestures, gifts, quality time, and attention in order to exploit and manipulate. This extreme manipulation can be enough for survivors to never trust themselves or completely disconnect from their gut instincts and intuition.
I don’t believe people are one thing or the other, i.e. all good or all bad. People are complicated with their own life stories and traumatic lived experiences. Your father has a story, but that does not condone or excuse his choices. I bring this up because I imagine, despite his sexual abuse, you are conflicted about feeling or acknowledging any redeeming qualities of his. Perpetrators of trauma can appear kind, endearing, charismatic, attentive, and present. Sometimes these may be authentic and other times they could be exploitative and manipulative. When you say that you pick men that remind you of your biological father, it is easy to understand that parts of your dad were likable and that other men may remind you of those parts. But, parts don’t make a whole. You have to look at the whole picture to differentiate the forest from the trees. As you work through and understand your abuse, I think it will be clearer when you can name and understand your experiences around this.
It sounds like you are on the precipice of an incredible self-discovery. Your insights and awareness are the keys to unlock the doors of your freedom - freedom to choose clearly and from the imprints of your survived sexual abuse. If you intend to unpack your sexual abuse, it may be helpful to hold off on managing a new relationship with another man for now. Your sole focus should be on supporting and loving yourself. As you deepen your intimacy with yourself, reclaim your wholeness, and release your trauma, you will be surprised how clear things get. It is a process of restoring alignment from your head to your heart to your gut. Your self-trust will deepen and the answers will come more clearly as your intuition comes back online. You are resilient beyond belief and I believe in you. True, meaningful change can feel uncomfortable, but I promise you that it’s worth it. You are a survivor and I honor you as such!
With love and light,
John Moos, MD