How do I retrieve lost memories? Part 2
Dear John,
I grew up in a middle class neighborhood...a carefree tomboy, totally comfortable in my skin and was lucky that my best friend from the ages 3-10 lived across the street from me…he’s important to know in my story as he was diagnosed with cancer in HS.
My mother...Around the age of eight /nine I began asking my dad what’s wrong with her & he’d always say, “When you’re older and more capable of understanding things I’ll explain it then”
One summer night, when I was 10, my mom woke me up and said my dad wasn’t feeling well and we were all going to the hospital. We lived about 10 minutes away from the hospital and for the first five minutes of the drive my dad with sweat dripping down his face was looking back at my brother and me assuring us he was fine…he began making these loud God-awful choking noises and then began desperately gasping for air...I was watching him have a massive heart attack .
Fast forward hours later, doctors came out to say it’s nothing but miraculous he survived this heart attack. I knew something terrible in me changed. My dad died a few months after the heart attack on an operating table after undergoing bypass surgery. I was 11 years old. My mom was mentally ill also and no family came around.
When I was in my early 30’s I had lunch with my father’s sister, whom I had no relationship with ever, and she informed me my memory was forgetting one HUGE part. Apparently I saw my dad laying dead in a hospital bed and my brain completely erased that memory from my consciousness.
Any suggestions to help me retrieve this memory as I believe a lot of my patterns of behavior (fears) are circling back to a place in my brain I can’t even remember.
Continued from last week…
There are many ways to access these types of memories. Therapists can help you access this information, and multiple disciplines can assist. For traumas stored in your body, Somatic Experiencing or Hakomi can help retrieve elements of these repressed memories. Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) has been shown to be more successful with chronic Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) than some traditional methodologies. Internal Family Systems is another psychotherapeutic discipline which can help honor and integrate the internal roles you had to create to navigate those painful life experiences. There are other somatic healing modalities such as breathwork, sound baths, creative expression (dance, drawing, writing), and body work that help us tune into and access parts of our body and psyche. And, lastly, working with psychedelics is another opportunity to access these memories. I have a health and wellness clinic in Los Angeles, Greenlight Metamorphosis Center, that works with ketamine to catalyze transformative change in people’s lives. There are many psychedelics, when used in the right context, can facilitate and amplify deep internal healing. Many are given in social, cultural contexts as part of indigenous practices, such as Ayahuasca, Ibogaine, and psilocybin. MDMA, commonly known as Ecstasy, is showing tremendous benefit in populations affected by PTSD. These medicines, when given in the right set and setting, guided by a skilled provider, are helping to create the conditions for the body and mind to heal. I would encourage you to consider this if it feels in alignment with your healing journey.
From everything you have described, I can understand and empathize deeply with what you’ve experienced. You have persevered through your fears, now honoring the realization that you want to be free from these self-limiting beliefs and constricting patterns. You are on the right path. You are courageous beyond belief. As you do the work of becoming whole, reintegrating these painful experiences and retrieving your memories, you will experience pain and discomfort. The act of becoming whole is not all sunshine and rainbows. But, the act of becoming whole is imperative to live with integrity, free from your patterns. Without this work, it can feel like life is happening to us - the victim’s perspective. We are at it’s mercy, subconsciously reacting to events as they transpire. Through this work, you will realize that life is happening from you, shifting from victim to Creator. Victor Frankl famously said, “between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” You can have that space; you can have your freedom.
Despite your fears and inability to recall or retrieve traumatic memories, you trusted yourself and your instincts to heal. You are reaching out for help and willing to explore a period of life that was defined by trauma. You’re on the right path; exactly where you need to be. Keep taking the steps, one at a time, and you can’t go wrong. It’ll be surprising to look back and see how much you’ve grown and changed by following your heart, trusting yourself, and finding your freedom.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD