Stop talking about cheating!
Context from Dear John:
The following exchange occurred after I posted a video on TikTok. It was one of several very honest videos exploring my infidelity, addictions, and the consequences of my choices. A viewer wrote, “stop talking about cheating.” I responded with the following, “curious - is there something you’d like to hear? Have you been hurt or wounded? Are you bored or are the topics bringing emotions up?” What transpired was a respectful dialogue that could have been mired in conflict, assumptions, and misunderstanding. As we close out 2021 and enter into 2022, I am reminded that we are always gifted opportunities to start anew, shed assumptions, and lead with curiosity instead of condemnation. I thought this was a beautiful example of accountability, mutual respect, curiosity, and the power of pausing. When we paused and got curious about one another, it opened us up to understanding and compassion. If either of us would have reacted instead of responded or taken offense and shut down, we would have missed an opportunity to deepen our understanding of one another and nurture our shared humanity. This exchange wasn’t about perfection, but rather imperfection, accountability, and reparation. It was beautifully authentic, vulnerable and human. Thank you!
Dear John,
I wanted to apologize for my message [on Tiktok] to you, I said “stop talking about cheating”. I know you must be in therapy and when things are hurting us…..we need to talk about them, otherwise we drink and do stupid things to numb or cover it up. Masking the pain doesn’t work especially with alcohol or other drugs.
I also had mentioned maybe for you to give advice on different topics. My request may be somewhat ridiculous as you yourself are trying to figure this all out.
What I meant to say is this….women who are dating want to hear from real men and what they want, find attractive, what red flags to run from etc. You may be able to help a lot of women with that advice. Talking about cheating is therapeutic I suppose but also can also be counter productive.
Dear Honest and Accountable,
I want to thank you for reaching out and extending an apology. Your email and some other comments have made me realize a context as to why I'm doing this is important. The incidents I'm describing happened over 6 years ago. I haven't been in traditional talk therapy for about 4 years now and my posting on Tiktok is not about processing my pain - I've done that, repaired the relationship ruptures I could, and am now engaged to an amazing woman. My experience through addiction and healing has been a major motivating factor in pivoting my career from trauma surgery to trauma healing. I'm opening a healing center that works with psychedelic and somatic healing to effect meaningful and substantial change in people's lives. My mission is to create the conditions for the body, mind, and soul to heal. My vision, liberating people from the prison of their traumas, constricting patterns, and self-limiting stories. I have received numerous emails and comments asking for more content so they could better understand what happened to them and maybe relieve some of their confusion and pain, so I want to honor that. But, I'm completely open to discussing any and all things.
I have every intention of exploring what it was like for me to start dating and owning my history with integrity. I hope and imagine that this will show men, and women, that owning your shit doesn't have to mean a life without love or connection. In fact, it's quite the opposite - when I owned my shit, all the darkness, I felt more grounded and embodied in who I am, which made it easier for people to trust me, especially my fiance. I don't completely understand your comment that women want to hear from "real men." I can assure you, my honesty and transparency is about as real as it can get.
With all of this said, is there something that you'd like me to explore? I'm open to suggestions and feedback, and thank you for taking the time to reach out.
Dear John,
I’m sorry I’m not sure why I typed “real men” I meant men. I think my mind was going faster than my fingers. One last thought….. maybe you cheated on your wife because she wasn't destined to be your soulmate, the universe saw something different for you!
Best of luck to you in your new journey with I’m sure a beautiful person.
Have a great day!
Thank you! The universe definitely had a different direction in mind for us both, and apart from the pain I caused myself and others along the way, I wouldn't have changed a thing. As the incredible poet, Andrea Gibson, says in her book, You Better Be Lightning, “sometimes grief is the fastest route to truth.” I wish you the absolute best and please don't hesitate to share any future feedback, suggestions or comments - publicly or privately.
With love and light,
John Moos, MD
Resources:
Andrea Gibson Instagram