Trauma happened; I feel angry!

Dear John,

I worked in trauma critical care and flight for years. I have four grown children. My mother-in-law has lived with me for years. I’m now home but will go back to work soon…My 27 year old son was shot in a senseless drive-by while helping someone get out of his car. Open laparotomy, small bowel resection. He is doing better, but still open. My mother-in-law had a few [heart attacks requiring stents and surgery with complications in her lower legs also requiring surgery]. I’m trying to take care of [them] both. This happened two weeks ago, but now I feel angry. I’ve never felt like this. My son is a good guy. He’s a cancer survivor and training for his first MMA fight. I’m so mad that the people responsible did this. I cry a lot and feel helpless. I just needed to tell someone. My husband doesn’t like complaining. I just feel mad and sad. Thank you for listening. Your Insta is great.

Dear Mad and Sad,

Thank you for reaching out and being willing to share your sadness and grief as well as your anger and frustration. Based on what you’ve shared, this makes sense. What you're describing and experiencing is overwhelming. Having conducted literally hundreds of laparotomies with open abdominal wound management, I have worked with families trying to make sense of the brutality, violence and trauma. During crisis, it is common for our field of vision to narrow, to lose perspective, and search for meaning. Humans are meaning-making beings. It is in our nature, and our responsibility, to derive value and meaning from these traumatic experiences and challenging life obstacles. Earlier in my life, when crisis hit, I would feel like a victim. Life was happening to me. I had no choice, there was no meaning, and I felt helpless. After my lowest point of my life, my breaking point, the dark night of the soul or sacred moment - however you choose to refer to it (everyone has a low point) - I was broken open and found an ability to surrender my will to that of life. Setting aside my resistance and humbly accepting the circumstances that were around me, I was able to see clearer, stay calmer, and make choices instead of reactions. Many emotions arise during this time. Emotions are messengers, and all are welcome - think of Rumi’s The Guest House. Take the time to acknowledge, honor, and be grateful for your emotional range. It is turning towards and processing these emotions that allow us to integrate these traumatic lived experiences instead of compartmentalizing or fragmenting our reality.

There are many other elements layered into your question: the rage/anger of the senseless violence perpetrated against your son, his loss of autonomy, the uncertainty of his and your mother’s outcomes, the transition of autonomy to dependence of your mother, and the inability to feel heard and supported by your husband. Any one of those, a significant challenge and adversity to experience, explore, and resolve. All together and at the same time, I can imagine it feels overwhelming, possibly crippling. I have heard this said to me a thousand times, and I have offered it up several times more, “you are exactly where you need to be.” I don’t mean that as an aphorism, but as a reminder that life’s rejection is God’s direction. There is always possibility; an opportunity to reframe our experience and broaden our perspective. You are resilient beyond belief. You cannot change any of the circumstances, but you can always choose how you show up, which perspective you hold, and the meaning you make from it all. In every adversity, there is also a gift or an opportunity. It is up to every individual to find the gift or opportunity and grow from it. The healing is in hurt. This could look like asking your husband to hold space and support you as you process all of the changes. It's not complaining; it's an opportunity to connect and be together in the pain. Otherwise, you're just alone. That has to be difficult for the both of you. For your son, it could be showing up and surrendering any sense of control or the need to immediately know "why?" Your presence, attunement, and compassion is the most healing gift you can offer him. We often never know, but there is a saying, “the most beautiful things lay on the other side of fear.” Trust that on the other end of this could be something amazing for him and his life. For your mother, as she undergoes procedure after procedure, imagine what she is experiencing. Constantly reminded of her ailments and mortality, losing her independence, and facing the finiteness of her life. You do not and cannot take on her experience, but you can grace her with your presence and support. Remember, you do not have to give all of yourself to everyone. It is important throughout this time you find time and balance for yourself so when you do show up, you can serve from a full cup. It's a delicate balancing act, but I know you can do it.

I wish you all of the strength, courage, compassion, resiliency, and perseverance to continue to weather these storms. And, I hope you use these life stressors as opportunities to connect with and deepen your intimacy with your husband, your son, and your mother-in-law. If your husband is resistant, then perhaps another: a close friend, a family member, or anyone else you trust. If there is absolutely no one, building that relationship, trust, and intimacy with yourself to hold that loving space for yourself will be imperative. Keep your head high and your heart open - you can and will get through this with grace. I sincerely appreciate you reaching out and sharing your humanity. Wishing you all the best!

With Love and Light,

John Moos, MD

Resources

Guest House | Rumi video poem (Calm)